Yes, Lord

Note: This post was originally shared on Awake & Free, the blog that we write for student women in the Tidewater & Richmond area (and anyone else who wants to read it also!). I thought I'd share a little bit of what God has been teaching me this Christmas season here, with you, too. I hope you enjoy.

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I’ve been so blessed by reading each of the blog posts on our “Awake & Free” blog this week… am I the only one?On Wednesday, Nita pointed us to Mary and my heart said, “Yes, Lord,” as I read and rested in the truth of who Mary is and what she knew – something God has also taught me recently.  On Monday, Brooke wrote about slowing down, and my heart said, “Yes, Lord,” as I found myself in agreement with the need to soak in time with the Lord this Christmas season. And I have. And it’s been beautiful.  On Tuesday, Laura Kate wrote about how the story of Jesus is thread throughout all of Scripture and my heart said, “Yes, Lord,” as I rested in that knowledge and reflected on how seeing Jesus throughout Old & New Testament stories has been part of my Christmas season as well.  And then yesterday, Sarah wrote about how it’s okay to not be okay, and my heart, again, said, “Yes, Lord,” as I thought about the joys and the aches of my Christmas season – and those shared by many whom I love.Yes.  Lord.In Your Spirit’s sovereign plan, you have me here, being encouraged by so many women on what it looks like to walk with you, and you’re weaving together these stories and my stories to point to the same thing.  And it brings me to the point of just reading and saying, “Yes, Lord,” – because as I’ve thought about what I wanted to write today, I honestly have thought about writing – or could have easily written – on each topic that each woman presented.And then I thought that maybe God would want me to share a little more deeply and a little more personally.  And so nervously, I respond, Yes, Lord.You can catch up more on my story here.  It chronicles the story of my sweet son – one that’s still being written – as my husband & I have faced some of the most earth shattering news and walked one of the hardest journeys as we anticipate our son’s birthdays in just seven weeks.  Back in August, during the first two weeks of classes actually, we found out that the baby we are expecting in February has a neural tube defect that caused him to grow and develop without his skull or his brain forming fully.  This means that Jacob, our son, will have a very brief life on earth before He goes to Heaven to spend Eternity with his Maker.  His Maker who saw it fit to make him like this, and who has deemed him worthy of love, who has deemed him good.When September hit, I was unsure if we’d make it to the holidays with Jacob, still, or if he’d already be in Heaven.  And then October, and November, and now here we are in mid-December, Jacob has grown & developed in most other ways completely normally and is full of life inside me.  And my heart says, Yes, Lord.What’s struck me the most this Christmas season is how much my mind & heart wander to considering Mary, and considering Jesus.  Mary, in the sense that she carried a child – and not just any child, but our Savior – in pregnancy, and she gave birth to Him.  Jesus, in the sense that He became a baby… that He – fully God & fully Man – entered into our brokenness and our world by means of “the least of these.”  And Jesus was born to die.  Both looked at what God was calling them to do and even though it seemed  c r a z y   in the eyes of the world, they looked to God, and said: Yes.  Lord.God has shown me the grace & beauty of Mary’s response to Him as she learns that she, a young virgin, engaged to be married, is pregnant.  She says, “My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.  For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name.” {Luke 1:46-49}Yes, Lord.And then I consider how Jesus lived on this Earth, full of life & destined to die, and he performed miracles and he healed people and he fulfilled the prophecies of the Old Testament and he was full of grace and truth as he approached women and children and tax collectors and Pharisees and Jews and Samaritans alike.  And He was God. And He was perfect.  And He lived to die.  And He said as He was facing His own execution – an unjust one, and in a criminal’s death – “'Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.’ And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in agony, he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling to the ground.” {Luke 22:42-44}Yes, Lord.And so I consider my own life.  I am carrying a child who has a greater purpose than the one I would have chosen for him.  We are doing something that seems crazy in the eyes of the world as we see value and dignity in our son’s life, no matter how old he is or how many breaths he will take on this earth.  I am carrying a son who is born “only” to die.   My son could be healed, if God so chooses, but in all reality, I face great pain and agony in losing him on his birthday. Some of the things I am facing seem impossible. I can almost feel those bloody sweat drops.And I find myself saying Yes, Lord.In the midst of the heartache, in the midst of the pain, God has sent His Spirit to strengthen me, much like He sent an angel to strengthen Jesus.  In the midst of the chaos and wondering of my son’s purpose, God has helped me to say, “Holy is Your Name,” even when the words cannot struggle to be in my heart.  In the midst of seeing that because Jesus was born to die, and therefore my son – born "only" to die – will live forever in Eternity with him, I see that Jesus is better.  And my heart can only cry, Yes, Lord.This Christmas season, where is God leading you to say, Yes, Lord?  Where is He asking you to say, “Not my will but yours be done,” and then follow Him into the scary and into the unknown?  Where is He showing you in Scripture how He is near to you and to your story; where can you see Jesus working out your story so you, in turn, can say, “Jesus is better”?My prayer is that we will be women this season who say, "Yes, Lord," who look to the wonder and beauty and awe of the reality of the Christmas story and say in agreement, Yes, Lord, because it is good.  And we look at the truth of who God is and we say, Yes, Lord, because even though we don’t understand, we long to.  And we face our heartaches, our grief, and our disappointments – we face our triumphs, excitements, and joys – and we say, Yes, Lord. And we follow Him.Yes, Lord, my heart longs to cry in my grief.  Yes, Lord, He helps me say.  Yes, Lord