When Tears are Near

Last week we had a little scare.My body was acting as if it was about to be Jacob's birthday. And I was in denial so I went to run errands for about an hour in the midst of it all.  Because thinking of it being Jacob's birthday, 9 weeks earlier than his due date, felt a little too scary.And when I got home and I finally got the guts [actually, when I finally listened to John-Mark who had told me enough times and basically dialed the number for me] to call nurses and doctors... I broke down.And ever since then I have been on the edge of tears. Or in tears. One or the other.Thankfully, my body reacted as we hoped and calmed down and God granted us more time with Jacob.  And the feelings of denial faded making it feel like more of a reality while on the other hand my fears have not faded but instead have stayed at the forefront of my mind.Fears of labor, fears of delivery, fears of not enough time, fears of saying goodbye.Wondering what that night will be like, what the next day will be like, what the mornings will be like week after week.And in the midst of the chaos and the whirlwind, our family has lost loved ones and had other scares of illnesses, and we're exhausted, and we just can't catch our breath.So tears. They've been not far from me the past week.Plus I think the pregnancy hormones have ramped up again. Which doesn't help.With each day that passes, I am thankful deep down for what we've been given, but if I'm honest, I begin to dread the future.This pregnancy has felt so long, and yet, our time with our son so short.It's not lost on me that God has done mighty things and that I've experienced immense love alongside immense heartache.  People have been giving as if they have no end to their generosity and we feel so cared for and so loved.But I'm so sad. And I'm so angry sometimes. And I just don't want to say goodbye to our sweet boy.I've grown slightly calloused and jaded and even thinking of the future and our future family makes my stomach turn. Because the what ifs are too large and loom too heavily. And that dream I've had from childhood - the I just want to be a mom dream - feels too heavy to bear these days.  And a mix of being fulfilled, and yet not...How do you begin to put words to the love you have for your own child?  I love my son and I love him deeply. And I know that this affection is not ending on him, and I desire to love another, and another, and another.But what if they face the same prognosis? What if my arms are always empty and my house is always quiet?  What if the road to growing our family stays weary? What if...I've got nothing left in me.  I feel as though I cannot make it any further. I'm at the end of my rope [again] and I cannot keep going [again] and, yet, there's so much to keep going through.So tonight, as the tears are near, I'm reminding myself of God's goodness. I'm reminding myself of his faithfulness.  That although I don't feel it and I'm not believing it, it's true. Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong - they are weak but He is strong. I'm choosing to believe it's true.  Even though I can't.At our Regional Staff Conference a few weeks ago, I was given the opportunity to share how I've experienced God's presence in the midst of my story.  And I'm sharing it with you now. Because I think I need it.  I need to be reminded of it.  And I need to know that it's real. That there is hope. That He is good. That I can find joy tonight in my sorrows.When tears are near, it's okay if they fall, and they will.  It's okay to be upset and to be sad.  But it's also good for me to remember what God's done. That there is goodness even in the midst of heartache.  That I'm not in this dark hole alone.  That there sometimes is a dim light to look towards, even if I'm not feeling or seeing it right now.Maybe God will use this to bless you tonight. Here's what I'm choosing to remember, because my hope feels lost & yet I know that it's there...

November 21, 2015, shared at Regional Staff Conference:I praise God for his presence in my story as we have experienced walking through this journey of immense pain and joyful celebration as we treasure our son Jacob's life and await his birthdays - his earthly one and his heavenly one, which will likely be the same.  He has been nearer to me than I can ever remember before, and has made rich this time that is so terrible.  This shouldn't be.I have been faithless. He has been faithful.I have been angry. He has been steadfast.I have been sad - so, so sad - and He weeps with me.He tangibly has shown his love to us through people and we rarely go a day without a text, phone call, card, package, or message.  We never go a day without prayers - from many.As we learn to walk a road we would never have chosen for ourselves, we are constantly aware of God's hand in our lives - weaving for us a beautiful tapestry out of the ugly threads of despair.  I praise him for his goodness. I praise him for his grace. I praise him for the hope that he gives. I even praise him for this heartache and suffering. I praise him for Jacob, who's kicking me right now, and for how he saw fit to knit him in a way the world calls incomplete and yet God calls good.He gives him value, dignity, life and love.  I praise him for tangibly showing me that life and death - joy and sorrow - are tied in this broken world, and there is hope to be seen in him.Even in the depths of my sorrows, I can rejoice in him. He loves me. He loves John-Mark. He loves Jacob. And He's near.