God's Grace
God has been so gracious to me lately.I've reached a low point, and I know there are more low points to come.But He's been so gracious to me lately in teaching me so much about His character, and about how to be a follower of His in the midst of suffering, and about how to truly love someone... simply by being the recipient of so many people's love.And before you start to begin thinking, "Wow, she's so strong," hear me on this - I'm not strong. I'm the girl who spontaneously wakes up in the middle of the night sobbing her eyes out to her poor half-awake husband. The girl who has a low pain tolerance and high exhaustion levels and cancels on so many people. The girl who cannot get herself to simply put clean clothes back in the dresser after waaaay too long of not doing laundry, so they sit there, in a basket, because things are just hard right now and I'm tired and sad and cannot make myself do it.I'm not strong. But God has been gracious to me and He's teaching me and He's weaving for me a story that He's allowing my eyes to be open to watching unfold.And He's strong.One of His sweet displays of grace is the way He's been using music with rich, theologically deep words to touch my soul & teach me things about His character and how to walk through this. God's using words to pierce my heart and teach me basic, foundational truths about His character and who He is.This Sunday was no exception to God using words to pierce my heart. Following a hard & sad week, with weighty decisions on my mind (and shoulders, since that seems to be where I carry my stress), I had been reading in Tim Keller's Walking with God through Pain and Suffering (which, only a few chapters read, I highly recommend) & then was struck by our sermon at church where we saw Jesus' manhood and Godhood come into play simultaneously. It caused me to stand in awe.And then the worship.I was struck by the depth in the words of this hymn. It's been on repeat all day for me. Here are the lyrics of the version we sang:
"Be Still My Soul (In You I Rest)"
Be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy sideBear patiently the cross of grief or painLeave to thy God to order and provideIn every change He faithful will remainBe still, my soul, thy best, thy heavenly friendThrough thorny ways leads to a joyful end
Be still, my soul, thy God doth undertakeTo guide the future as He has the pastThy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shakeAll now mysterious shall be bright at lastBe still, my soul, the waves and winds still knowHis voice Who ruled them while He dwelt belowIn you I rest, in You I found my hopeIn you I trust, You never let me goI place my life within your hands aloneBe still, my soulBe still, my soul, the hour is hastening onWhen we shall be forever with the LordWhen disappointment, grief, and fear are goneSorrow forgot, love's purest joys restoredBe still, my soul, when change and tears are pastAll safe and blessed we shall meet at lastIn you I rest, in You I found my hopeIn you I trust, You never let me goI place my life within your hands aloneBe still, my soul
This song is full of truth about God's character. Truth about who He is. Truth about who I am. Truth about life.
And it's a long prayer of Biblical self-talk that takes my focus off of me and my suffering and allows me to refocus back on God, trusting Him through it.. In Him I rest, in Him I find my hope. In Him I trust; He never lets me go. I place my life - I place Jacob's life - within His hands alone. Be still, my [weary, control-freak, tired, nervous, hating-that-this-is-my-reality] soul.
I still feel conviction and desire to see what God will do as we continue to pray through 100 days of Jacob's life & I can't wait to see how God answers prayers. But what I learn through this song [and sermon & book & other songs as well] is that even without any of those prayers or even if no prayers are answered, there is purpose here. God is glorified and somehow, miraculously, I am a beneficiary of God's grace even through this suffering, with the help of this suffering. I learn that God's character is more beautiful & more mysterious and His plans are more heartbreaking & more enchanting than anything I can ever wrap my mind around.
I can have hope because God gives hope.
I can trust that Jacob's life is valuable to God because He gives Him value.
I can "leave to my God to order and provide" and not attempt to control the uncontrollable.
I can know that "the hour is hastening on when we shall be forever with the Lord" & I can trust that God is using this to weave a more beautifully tragic story for me than I ever want.
Does this erase the pain, sorrow, and sadness that weighs my weary heart? No. But does this give me hope in this incredible paradox of pain and joy, treasure in something way bigger than even my circumstances display, in the person & character of God? Yes.
He draws me to be strong in Him, because He is strong. He draws me to be near, in Him, because He is near. He draws me to know Him more because He knows me. He is so gracious to me.
Here's the song whose lyrics I shared above. This version is Kari Jobe's. I hope it blesses your soul as it has mine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mq59iE3MhXM