The Unexpected

Yesterday I was in line at Chipotle and one of the women working behind the counter asked me if I had food aversions.I'm allergic to all dairy and had decidedly skipped most of the toppings for my tacos simply because I like the basic flavors of white rice + black beans + steak + mild salsa + lettuce. So, a little confused and not expecting a question like that in line at Chipotle that day (we go all the time and you get used to how to order...), I clarified what she said. "Do I have food allergies? Oh yeah, I do... that's why I skipped..." "No," she said. "Like food aversions? Being pregnant?"It was the first time in public a stranger has asked me about being pregnant.I was so taken off guard that I quickly started randomly spurting out phrases that made no coherent sentences at all. But inside I was beaming and giddy, wanting to run around the counter and give her a hug.Yeah, that would've been embarrassing and weird and totally against social norms and all sorts of health code violations, I'm sure.So instead I smiled at her and looked at her and tried to memorize her face.It was the moment I've been waiting for.  She was the first.Someone in public recognized that I was clearly pregnant - no, it's not Chipotle burritos in there, it's a baby, although... good guess - and said something about it.Ever since receiving Jacob's diagnosis, I have longed for the day for strangers to ask me about him. I imagine the questions, "When are you due?" "Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?" "Are you sure it's not twins?" and a part of my heart gets giddy at the thought of answering.Because random strangers aren't going to know the heartache and are only going to be asking me about the joy.I wanted to spill all my guts and my excitement to my sweet new best friend, the Chipotle employee, Yes! I had some initially! Really I only ever craved red meat... and yeah, I got steak tacos. I guess I still do... but anyway, I'm 27 weeks along and his name is Jacob and he got hiccups last night at like 4:30 in the morning and I couldn't get back to sleep. I just love him so much... I imagine the fake dialog or the words that would've come out of my mouth had I not had a filter.In hindsight, I guess it's good news I was taken off guard.  Who knows what would've come out.  Probably too much. Then I'm known as the crazy pregnant over-sharer.  Nice.Later yesterday evening as I was lying on the couch and watching my belly move as Jacob kicked and squirmed and flipped and punched me, I was thinking about the unexpected.So much of this journey has been totally unexpected.I guess that's how grief is.Things hit me unexpectedly.  Like Halloween.  It was surprisingly emotional as I thought about the excitement I would've had to dress up and make a cute costume this year had I not been so exhausted from the emotions of realizing that there were going to be no baby costumes next year and no trick or treating with Jacob dressed as a little super hero in years to come.Anxiety attacks hitting me on random afternoons because the nesting is so strong and so real for me and I can't seem to satisfy it.  Because instead of buying baby cribs where he'll lay his head and sleep, we're instead deciding how we want to lay his body to rest when his soul is in Heaven.Exhaustion coming in waves because there's so much on my mind and so many thoughts of this shouldn't be and decisions that have to be made and everything just seems way more complicated than I pictured it being when we'd be preparing for Jacob's birthday.  And what will that day even be like...?As much as I have anticipated the questions about my due date that I can answer with joy to random strangers because I'm clearly not going to drop the bomb on them that something isn't quite right with our sweet boy, I dread that pitied look and the awkward questions to navigate and the stings and the sick to my stomach feelings and the tears that will come. Because I'm going to be in the club with moms whose hearts are living outside of their bodies but whose babies are not here on this earth.  The category that shouldn't exist but that does. The well-meaning conversations I know I'll have with unknowing people that start with things like, "Well you'll know what this is like when you have babies..." or "When do you think you two will start a family?"How will I feel when my body bears the reminder that I carried a child and yet my home is quiet and empty? How will I react when I see friends' babies reach milestones that Jacob never will? What will I do on his first birthday or for our next pregnancy?Will I even survive?There's so many unknowns and so many things that are unexpected.As I was processing last night, I realized that this is my new normal. My life has been split in a clear and distinct before and after. Before August 26th, and really, before I got the phone call from my doctor that my tests levels were elevated, my life was one way.  I was one person who had been though different things but whose life was heading in one path.  After August 26th, everything changed.I don't even feel like the same person. I can't possibly be the same person.Life has hit me in the biggest and most severe way ever and I'm sure I'll adjust to the new normal, but I will never be the same.In the midst of the heartache of the unexpected that I was processing last night, I came to the conclusion that... this new normal is a good way for me to live.Do I mean good as in everything is perfect and fun and happy and rainbows and butterflies and I would choose time and time again to receive this diagnosis and walk this path with my husband and son and family and friends?No, of course not.But I mean good in the way that this is where God has me.  This is what He ordained.  He's knitting Jacob together and He's chosen this and it is the worst possible thing I have gone through in my life so far and I would never have picked this.  But He's using this in my life, to teach me things, to show me things, to even allow me to experience the depth of love that my heart is capable of having.And I hope you're not reading me wrong - am I simply trying to wrap this all up nicely and put on a Christian smile and say everything is okay and I'm happy with this? No.But I have this oddly comforting feeling that in the midst of this darkest grief, this is good. Because God is near. Because people love us. Because this is where my life is and, yes, there's a before and after, and I am changed.It'd be boring to coast through life without anything to make you realize how precious it is.The unexpected makes this hard, but it makes it good.I wanted to share two songs that I've had on repeat the past few weeks.  I hope you take comfort in them - wherever you are - regardless of your circumstances.  Pain is pain. In this world we are going to face heartache and sorrow and grief.  But Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon me and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." [Matthew 11:28-29]My prayer: Let me learn from you Jesus, give me rest for my soul.  I, too, want to be gentle and lowly in heart.  I'm weary and heavy laden.  Lord, I come.[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaPUqTDYSjs[/embed][embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhYboRutSGY[/embed]