2016
Last New Year's Eve, I remember being so excited in anticipation for what was to come. "This year will be better than even the last!" I thought to myself. And it was. 2015 was overall a good year. Hard at times? Absolutely. But looking back I see God's hand and his grace in every moment. And by late May we were convinced 2016 would be even better because 2016 meant we were adding a baby to our family and we were confident in God's timing for us to be parents.Of course, once August hit, and we learned of Jacob's diagnosis, our world completely changed and the blur that has been the majority of this pregnancy took over.John-Mark and I were driving the other week in the car and talked about our last year. An incredibly huge, monumental, and life-altering moment happened in that doctor's office that day that we found out that Jacob's story would look different than we ever anticipated. And the grief and pain has been so deep.The wind in our sails was so full this summer, and then it was completely knocked out.And yet... somehow, we both look back on this past year without a feeling of it all being worthless, or painful, or traumatic, or terrible. Neither of us would classify last year as the worst year of our lives. It's a total mystery to us. Somehow, in the midst of it all, we still see joy and find rest and see God's goodness in it all. I'm not sure how, but I can say it honestly. Last year was good.But then it was New Year's Eve and 2015 was coming to a close and 2016 began.I began to watch post after post of a summary of people's years, and I even made a photo collage of my own with the "Best 9" of 2015 on Instagram. Every single post revolved around our [growing] family.I even wrote a blog post or two where I celebrated every beautiful thing that had happened. I wrote a letter to Jacob, sharing with him the joy that he has brought us. And he has! But I couldn't bring myself to post them.Because with the closing of 2015 came the beginning of 2016. And with the beginning of 2016 came the remaining 36 (give or take a few) days of Jacob's life on earth.My stomach drops as I anticipate it.
I'm not much of a resolution person in general, so New Year's has never been a motivator to me to change my lifestyle or make goals I'll never attain. I just have no interest in resolutions. So I've loved seeing the dawn of a new "era" where many people are coming up with a phrase or "word of the year" instead. I've read many posts about peoples' words, and even found great comfort in a friend who shared her thoughts about these words for this year.As encouraged as I've been by so many beautiful and empowering words that people are hoping will encapsulate their years, I couldn't bear to come up with even a word or a prayer for my year. The past few days, the only thing I've been able to think is "I hope I survive this year. My word would be survive. How depressing. No way I'm making that my word, even if it's the truth..." In understandable fashion, I moved on.No word for me this year, and that's okay.So today is January 4th, 2016. One month from today is my due date. February 4th. No matter how hard I try, time doesn't stop and that date is rapidly approaching. I hate it. Except simultaneously, I'm thankful. I want time to march on as intended because I'm not sure how much more time I could take anticipating.Plus, as is proving to be very true, I had a feeling that as Jacob's birthday got closer things would get harder. At first, it was a joy and a celebration to just make it another week. Jacob got bigger, healthier, and stronger. We got more time with him and more time to process. More baby kicks and more laughs. More shared memories as a family of three.But a month or two ago, everything changed, and with each week that passed, I began to dread the progression. One week less, and less, and less. Decisions that seemed far off are about to be signed into action. Milestones I hoped for have now happened. Things I have looked forward to and hoped to make it to have now passed. All that's left now is the anticipation of his birthday.We're completely exhausted.
This morning I woke up with the same dread that's been clouding me for the past few days, since January 1st. I had to get up earlier than I wanted to because we had a pretty early doctor's appointment. Our last ultrasound.And with dread I waited in the waiting room. Ironically, we waited for the longest time today too. But there had been flurries and I was pleased as we walked in. Just last night, I had prayed, even though I'm not a huge fan of the snow, that Jacob would get to experience some snow before he's born. And he did. What a joy.The nicest ultrasound tech, who I've seen two other times [we get ultrasounds once/month so I've met many of them!], came in our room today. I was so thrilled to see her. She's the one who first confirmed "it's a boy!" for us and who has always referred to Jacob with such dignity and value. She also explains everything to us that she's looking at which brings me great calmness. No silences and quiet moments... I hate those. I always assume they're seeing something wrong and don't want to tell me.And for only the second time, Jacob willingly showed his face for us and we got to see the cutest nose and lips and chubby cheeks that I've ever seen in my life. I'm serious, I think he's the cutest baby I've ever laid eyes on. I haven't even laid eyes on him yet, and I'm his mother, but he's really cute. At least through the 3D imaging.I can't stop looking at that picture of his face.I long to kiss his cheeks.I long to snuggle him in my arms.I long to see his toes and watch him squirm and hold him in my arms.I know that I may not have the opportunity to see him breathe a breath on this earth, but I've seen him practice taking breaths on the screen. I know that his heart may stop before he's born, but I've seen and heard that beautiful sound so many times, and it never gets old.For a beautiful moment I was reminded that there is still joy to be had in 2016.There's great heartache to be had, there's great sorrow, there's so many fears to face. What will I be like next month, or next spring, or next year? How empty will my arms feel at that point? I have no idea. And there is still a dread.But oh, how beautiful is it to be reminded that there is beauty and joy to be had in 2016 also. Jacob still has life today, and he will still have life here on Earth until God calls him Home. We still have this gift today and we can continue to treasure it.I don't have to sugarcoat the sorrows or ignore the celebrations.I can have both, at once.There's a birthday party awaiting Jacob here, and there's one awaiting him in Heaven, too.I'm not sure what heights of joys and what depths of sorrow will come this year. I know JM and I are tired, and that seems to not be letting up. I know we're scared. I know we don't want February to come. But I also know that we love Jacob, that God has given him a purpose, and I can be reminded that this time on Earth is numbered just like mine. I don't need to live in fear or in a desire to control the outcome. I can rest and trust in who God is and what He has planned - for Jacob, as much as for anyone else.We're here, in 2016. Ready or not. Thank you, Lord, for carrying us this far. We know that you'll carry us through.