One Week

It's been a week since one of the very best days of my life.  Jacob's birthday was completely surreal in the very best of ways. It was so beautiful, so wonderful, and I look forward to sharing more about it in time.  He gave us seven of the best hours that will forever mark me and have forever changed me.And now we've entered our "new normal" where our sweet boy is no longer with us and our hearts and arms ache for him.  Quite honestly, it's been a little unfortunate for me that I'm also dealing with the normal hormones that come post-birth.  Some days the tears don't stop.  And that's okay.  But thankfully I've had moments of rest, moments of being a proud mama who shows off my son to my friends and tells over and over of his rolls (his arm rolls were my favorite), his full head of curly brown hair, his sweet personality.He had the sweetest personality.As is the theme of Jacob's life in my story, the past week has swung quite frequently between extreme joys and extreme sorrows.We've entered a world that I'd never wish anyone to enter into.  Its depths of pain are excruciating at times.  But the heights of the joys that we experienced also -- those are the moments I find myself drawn to.  The pictures I scroll through and smile over.  The 40 second videos of him sleeping and making the most precious noises that I have replayed so many times that I wonder if they'll ever get old.  I don't think they ever will.It's hard to explain how it's been this week, because there are so many things it's been and there are real, honest moments of joy and real, honest moments of pain.It's Jacob's one week birthday, and although words often fail me right now, I thought I'd share a little note that I wrote this evening to my son.  I love you, sweet boy! Thank you for giving me the gift of being your mom.Jacob, you are such a gift.  You truly made me a mom in the best of ways and you made my heart come alive. You gave me the joy of seeing John-Mark as a dad.  I loved that.  I mean, he already was your dad for nine months before last Tuesday, but seeing him hold you for the first time... that was priceless.  I will never forget the way that he instantly stood up straighter and the look on his face when he held you for the first time.  The confidence that he had with you.  You must know now that God answered that prayer of mine.  My prayer from the first day where we learned that our time with you would be shorter than we ever had dreamed was that I'd get to see John-Mark hold you in his arms.  And he did.  For hours.  God answered many prayers in your sweet life, Jacob.  I've been trying to write down all the answered prayers but each time I get distracted thinking about how sweet the little moments were.  Jacob, you have made me celebrate life in the sweetest of ways and see God's character so much more intimately.  You opened my eyes to so many things.I miss you so much, my sweet boy.  I miss your "tootsie roll arms" and your sweet, kissable cheeks.  I miss your smell, and feeling your weight in my arms.  I miss seeing my family and friends dote on you and I miss your voice.  I loved the moment you gave us where we got to hear you cry.  You were so strong, buddy.  So strong.Jacob, I love you so much.  I miss you.  You've forever changed me.  You've marked our lives.  I can't wait to share stories with you in Eternity.  Happy one week birthday, Jacob!  You're so loved.