Jacob's Birthday
It was a long and quiet drive (of 10 minutes) to the hospital. We were nervous.
We arrived around 4pm on Feb 8th, ready to begin the induction process. I remember not being sure what exactly to say once we got to the L&D unit... I wondered, do I just say... hi, I'm here to have a baby?! As we walked into the wing, we ran into a few nurses who knew us and who greeted us with hugs. Let me just tell you - we had the best nurses. They gave us Room #2, and our family was going to have the room next door while they waited for Jacob to be born.
It was going to be a long process. I was going to get the first medicine around 5pm and then get the Pitocin at 7am on the 9th. My preferred doctor - another answered prayer - was going to be there all day on the 9th, and was going to deliver Jacob. Our family was going to be hanging out all day and had lots in mind to keep themselves occupied. I was going to take sleeping medicine and sleep the whole night so that I could wake up refreshed for the day to come. Ha!
Our family popped in to say hello for about an hour and bring us dinner. I started to get more uncomfortable, so we said our goodbyes. Before we knew it - and with a short nap of 45 minutes tucked in there, only thanks to the sleeping meds & small pain med dose I got - it was 1:30 am, the doctor on call decided to check me, and it was time to go! I laugh when I think about the chaos of that time, and how John-Mark frantically tried to unlock his phone to call his mom ("Come now. Bye.") and Cara, our doula, and Lindsay, our photographer. Everyone was at home sleeping to get energy for the next day because Jacob definitely wouldn't come quickly, and he wouldn't come 'til the next night, we were told over and over.
(But, Jacob, you were ready to meet us! And we were so excited to meet you!)
After a somewhat exciting last ten minutes, involving the bruising of Jacob's face (sorry, little guy!), Jacob Matthew was born at 2:12 am! Naturally! (What!)
They put him on me immediately. I looked at his beautiful face and felt him in my arms. It was quiet in that room. He was quiet. "He's not breathing..." I kept softly & calmly saying to John-Mark and to my nurse Amy. They both would respond to me, "No, he's not breathing." A calmness and a peace washed over me for that several minutes. He's stillborn. I was at peace. My son was born, and he was with Jesus. So many prayers had been answered. I had him in my arms.
We decided somewhat quickly to put him closer to me for a little skin-to-skin time, so they put him up on my chest.
And then we heard him make a noise.
I gasped and turned to John-Mark. He made another noise, and another. He was breathing! It took a few minutes, but he was breathing!! Our son was alive. There's video evidence of my reaction... "This is my son! It's Jacob's birthday!"
I cried. I laughed. I held him so closely to me. My sweet boy. He was here. He was alive!!He hadn't gone to be with Jesus yet, he just needed to be close to his mama and he was breathing! He was so strong. So strong.
And I remember saying, “You wanna hold him?” and passing him to John-Mark. Oh, the sight of my husband holding our son! Like nothing I’ve ever seen. He sat up straighter and held Jacob with such confidence. He smiled down into his face with the proudest smile I’ve ever seen on him. He had been his father the whole nine months. But in that moment, it was instant: he became a father, in the sense that “dad” was his identity now and it embraced him and he embraced it. It was so special to watch.
We had some time as a family of three and John-Mark & I soaked in the reality that our son was in our arms! He was so happy just being held by me and John-Mark. It was so special. We had so much sweet time with him.
A little while passed and we decided to clean him up a little bit & introduce him to our family. So before we gave him his first bath, we invited his grandparents in to meet him and to be there for his bath with us. It was so special to see our parents meet our son for the first time. They fell in love with him as we did! He had the sweetest, squishiest arms & legs. The chubbiest and most beautiful cheeks. The softest skin. We loved just looking at him & enjoying him!
We bundled him up like a little burrito and everyone got time with him. I love those memories. Jacob, you are so loved!
After meeting his grandparents, Jacob got to meet his aunts & uncles! He has so many who love him and who treasure him. All he heard over and over was how cute he was, how precious, how loved… He was so adored! It was so fun to get to spend time with all of Jacob’s aunts & uncles & grandparents together!
Jacob seemed so at ease with them – he tended to show off the most when they were around, seemingly knowing that they were all proud aunts and uncles for the first time with their first nephew. Oldest children are used to being the center of attention (at least until the baby of the family is born, right Tyler and Zoe?) and I think Jacob just lived it up. He was so content being in their arms, and they all showed him their love for him in different ways.
I love that we have family photos with Jacob. And I love how you can see the love shared among our families in these photos. We truly have the best families. They are so special to us, and Jacob is special to them.
As a side note about his name – Jacob means “may God protect” and Matthew means “a gift from the Lord.” We truly feel that his name fit him so well – our prayer for Jacob was so often that God would protect him; he was truly our gift. And He did! So many times God answered prayer after prayer for his life. I love that his initials are “JM” which is like his dad’s name, who we often shorthand as JM. His initials also are similar to his Uncle James.
Jacob shares a name with his uncle James, although at first glance (or sound), he doesn’t appear to! When we were thinking about names for Jacob, we both immediately went to family names. We really like them, and like the people in our family who they can reflect. Through the process of considering different names and learning more about what names meant and their background, we saw that James and Jacob were the same name; Jacob is Hebrew and James in Greek. It seemed like the perfect fit for our son!
We both have grandfathers named James, uncles named James, and of course, John-Mark’s brother, James. We hoped that Jacob would carry on the legacy of those men in our lives and especially of his Uncle James! It was special to us to name this sweet boy after his uncle, as we admire him in many ways. James is pictured above, holding Jacob. It is one of my favorite pictures!
Some of my aunts and uncles and cousins were at the hospital celebrating Jacob’s life with us too, and we got to introduce them to Jacob. It was so fun to get to invite them in and show him off to them! We were so honored that they would wake up at 1:30 in the morning to come and sit in a hospital delivery room next door and spend the time with us.
I love the picture below on the left – me handing my sweet Jacob over to my cousin Katharine who also happens to be my best friend! And she has been forever. There is something so precious about getting to introduce the two of them. Jacob probably recognized her voice as much as he did mine and John-Mark’s as he spent many hours with me and Aunt Katharine over the course of his life. His Uncle Stephen & Aunt Genevieve gave him a few gifts and that was really sweet too. And of course, he loved meeting Aunt Beth & Uncle P – what a treat to have them there with us. We can’t imagine that day without them.
Jacob had quite the entourage! My other aunt & uncle – Stacy & Richard – and their kids came in to meet him and we spent time laughing about how sweet he was and showering him with kisses. Two of my little cousins also bravely held him and I loved seeing that. I love that we shared that day with him.
Jacob also had a few friends visit him. It was such a gift to get to introduce my son to Shelley, one of my best friends from college, who left that morning after spending hours at the hospital to go teach first graders all day! And Brandon & Lindsay left their kids at home with a neighbor, stayed for hours in the hospital, and then went home to them the next morning. I still can’t believe they all took that time to be with us. What an honor and a gift for us. We got to introduce Jacob to so many people that we love so much and I wouldn’t have had it any other way! They have all played such a role in Jacob’s life and they seemed like the perfect people to have there with us. I love that he wanted to meet them all, and that they were able to come meet him!
In between family and friends coming in as we asked for, we got a lot of time alone with Jacob. We spent time just the three of us, napping and soaking up his snuggles. We read him a book and talked with him, and with each other, about how incredible it was that we had him with us. And for so long.
With every hour that passed, I remember turning to John-Mark to exclaim, “Wow, we’ve had 2 hours with him!” “Wow, we’ve had 4 hours!” “It’s been FIVE hours!” Time went by so fast and yet I felt like I truly got to embrace our time with him and soak in every minute. It went exactly as I hoped and I have no regrets about how we spent our time with him. I had plans for things that never happened, and got to do things I didn’t expect, and it was all just exactly right. It fit the theme of my pregnancy with him – grace upon grace.
A little while later, we had Jacob weighed, measured, and had some hand and footprints made as well. He weighed 5 lb, 13 oz. Amy, our nurse/angel (seriously, I could write a whole post), kept saying how she couldn’t believe that he was only 5 lbs! He was so chubby and had such sweet rolls! He measured 18 inches long. Amy placed him under the warmer for a little while and cleaned him up more, put a new cap on him, and changed his diaper. I love how you can see in the picture below how John-Mark was standing right by him, watching everything Amy did with him. And how he touched his soft skin… he was so soft! That newborn skin is so sweet. I couldn’t see this happening because of how my bed was positioned, and for the ten minutes or so that he wasn’t in my sight, I missed him so much! I kept asking what they were doing from around the corner and could hardly stand not having him on my lap. It gave me some time to realize how much I loved having him there with us. I’m so thankful that we got to keep him in our room for his whole time with us. I can’t imagine not having him right there.
We got some official hospital footprints made for Jacob and he seemed to just enjoy being under the warmth of that light! I wanted to make sure to do one special thing with his footprints which was to add a footprint by two different verses that were significant to us.
A dear friend of mine who has two daughters who are in Heaven with Jacob had done something similar, and I loved it. So a few days before Jacob was born, we got a Bible for our family that we will hopefully add to one day.
We have one of Jacob’s footprints by Psalm 16, which has been significant to me in my journey through Jacob’s life (which might be obvious!), and one by John 20. John-Mark had been impacted by Jesus’ interaction with Mary after His resurrection, so we wanted to remember that as well. Amy helped us with that, and she even “laminated” it for us with a special sticker so that it won’t ever smudge off the page! I mentioned briefly before, but Amy is an angel.
Because we had such sweet time with Jacob and he seemed to still be doing so great, we wanted to put some clothes on him! I had spent hours and hours looking for the exact right outfit for him for the few months before he was born. I had a few things in mind, but nothing worked out. In the end, I found this sweet tiny blue onesie and grey pants with some blue booties (that were too big, but so cute!!) to dress Jacob in. He also wore that white cap for the majority of his life – it was a premie size and still was big on him! I love that about him, how tiny he was (in hindsight at least; in the moment he seemed exactly the size I had imagined him to be).
John-Mark and I dressed him together. I love that picture above on the right – he looks pretty much the way he felt about being dressed. He didn’t really like it! Haha. He was much happier without a shirt on, which I chalk up to the fact that he’s a little boy! How many little boys can make it through the day without taking off their shirt, right?
We got some portraits taken of Jacob and with Jacob. Our friend Lindsay, who also happens to be our family photographer (we call her that because she has now documented the two best days of our lives!) was there for practically Jacob’s entire life. She arrived a few minutes before he was born and captured everything. She did a phenomenal job and I could seriously never thank her enough for the gift of these photos. I love each one and I’ve memorized them – even though we have hundreds! – because they are just so special to me.
I loved Jacob’s chubby hands and feet. I’ve mentioned his arm rolls, but he also had the best little chubby feet and long toes (which he got from me!). He mostly looks like John-Mark, in my opinion; he has his nose and ears and broad shoulders. But I’ll claim his lips and his toes! The rest is all him – like his full head of curly light brown hair or the perfectly chubby cheeks. I love seeing all those details of him.
After we dressed Jacob and got all of the portraits and fun memories made of him, he seemed to not be doing so well. So we invited in our parents for another visit with him. We imagined it was getting close to time to say goodbye and wanted them to have a chance to spend time with him. It was so hard to know what to expect and yet rest in the fact that he was still doing well and still with us. He enjoyed sleeping so much and was so cuddly.
Our parents came in and each had their time with Jacob and with us. We were so peaceful and so calm. It was so sweet to be with them; they are the three best grandparents ever.
We decided to get Jacob out of his clothes at that point (he really didn’t like them…) and he and I got some more skin-to-skin time. I was not feeling well and I needed to rest a moment. At this point, it was around 7:30 am and we were pretty exhausted from the night & all of the emotions leading up to it and to that point. So we took a little nap as a family.
Suddenly, we heard the most beautiful sound in the world. At six hours old, our sweet Jacob let out his first big cry!! He surprised us all! He had been “talking” the whole time and making sweet little noises ever since he was born, so we hadn’t really even thought about it or expected him to cry at all after that. He was just calm and sweet. But our sweet Jacob was so strong! He got up the courage and the strength to let out the sweetest sounds.
We both immediately looked up at each other in complete shock and joy as we realized that he was crying! He was squirming on me, too, and drooled a little bit even (ha!) on me. So funny in hindsight. Actually, I remember laughing as he cried, too. I remember snuggling him a little closer, but just letting him cry and letting that sound fill our ears.
Our nurse walked in at the same time he started crying and thought she had walked into the wrong room, actually! And John-Mark thought (for some reason) that she had brought in a different baby into our room and was really confused until he realized it was Jacob crying. We all were so amazed and shocked by him. John-Mark got the sweetest video of Jacob crying. It is the best sound. We love getting to hear him cry.
We sent the video to our families and let them hear him. At this point, I was wide awake (and overjoyed) and knew that our families were next door hanging out. So we invited in our siblings – all of Jacob’s aunts and uncles – to come in and hang out with us. Jacob even cried for them and squirmed a little. I think he liked to show off for them!
We invited in our cousins and aunts and uncles and friends to come in one more time also, and had fun with them as well. They all were doting on our sweet boy, touching how soft his skin was and looking at his cute little rolly arms. They all wanted to hold his hand and touch his cheeks, which we gladly let them. We had fun talking with them a little longer.
We had some more alone time together as a family of three and at 9:12, I looked at the clock, knowing that our sweet boy had gone to be with Jesus. At the same time, John-Mark had realized that he was in Heaven also. It was peaceful, calm, and the most beautiful moment. Outside of realizing he was alive, knowing that he was with Jesus was the most peaceful moment. We spent time just letting it all sink in, and invited our nurse in to come and check on him for us, although we already knew the truth.
He was the most calm and content on my chest. I love that about him. He knew me and he knew John-Mark, and he loved us. I don’t know how to explain it, but I just know that he did. He was so peaceful with me. We invited in our friends from Noah’s Children, the hospice care group that had been part of our whole journey (and continues to be). They were with us during that hard moment as we had our doctor come in and say, in the sweetest of ways, that yes, he was in a better place.
We took time just the two of us to cry and hold him. Saying goodbye, kissing his sweet cheeks, and looking at his beautiful body. We knew he was with Jesus, in Heaven. We were sure of it.
We invited in our parents, wanting to share with them the news ourselves. They didn’t know as they walked in and it was hard to tell them. Of course, we all cried together, and they each got their moments with their grandbaby, and with us. There’s nothing that will match that moment, I think. As fun and exciting as it was to introduce them to Jacob, it was the same degree of a challenge to invite them to say goodbye.
They shared with the rest of our families and friends that Jacob was with Jesus, and all of them said goodbye to Jacob as well. They had a beautiful and impactful time of prayer together in the room next to us as we said goodbye to him for the last time. In hindsight, those moments were so beautiful.
I remember praying and just holding John-Mark. I couldn’t believe we got seven hours with him. I couldn’t believe he was born naturally, and that we got to do everything we did with him. I couldn’t believe we had the amount of incredible care like we did, and that we got to enjoy every single thing that we had hopes of enjoying with him. Honestly, February 9th, 2016, Jacob’s birthday, was one of the most incredible days of my life. Yes, hard – but I think that hit more starting the next day and I’ve had immensely darker days since – but also beautiful. Perfect. Wonderful. I have the best memories of Jacob’s birthday. I’m so, so thankful.
I have so many to thank, and I’m sure that I will miss some people (forgive me if I have!) but I’d like to at least thank a few of you here, as you played a huge role in Jacob’s life.
To Lindsay, thank you so much for the incredible photos. You have been there for us on our top two most important days of our lives: our wedding day, and Jacob’s birthday, and you know how much we love you. Your gift of photography has been the biggest blessing for us. I cannot imagine NOT having these photos to look through. Thank you for taking a risk with us, and for spending a full night with us. You’re amazing. (And thank you, Zach, for letting us have her while you took care of your sweet baby!)
To Cara, I’m so thankful for your friendship, and how Jacob’s life brought you into ours. Thank you for teaching me everything I knew about labor (practically), for giving us the gift of confidence and understanding of everything so that John-Mark could coach me well until you arrived at the hospital, and for the way you not only carried me through the physical aspects of labor and delivery, but also the additional emotional and spiritual parts of it as well that were specific to Jacob’s life. You helped me to believe that I was strong, and reminded me of that afterwards too. You are a gift. I’m so glad I get to call you Cara-the-friend now and not just Cara-the-doula!
To LB & Amy, our incredible nurses from St. Mary’s, thank you. LB, you were an incredible part of our journey as you calmed our nerves coming into the hospital and helped me begin to actively labor. And your sister’s print is incredible. We love it. You were there for the second half of Jacob’s life, and you are just an amazing nurse. I’m so thankful that you were ours. And Amy, you’re my angel. I have told you that, but I truly could not have done what I did without you. I cried into your shoulders right before Jacob was born that I didn’t think I could let him come because I didn’t think I could say goodbye. And time and time again you looked into my eyes and reminded me, “Meg, you can do this.” You literally helped bring him into the world. I’m at a loss of more words right now because all I can think is: you’re amazing. Thank you.
To Tammy, my sweet friend from Noah’s, I could not have gone through the last seven months without you. You have answered a million of my questions, been to so many of my doctor’s appointments, allowed me to embrace the journey to Jacob’s birthday, and even took care of me through some physical ups and downs. Your joy, your smile, your care… I cannot thank you enough. You loved Jacob, and you loved us so well. I’m so glad that you are a part of our lives!
To Rich, Pam, and Beth, you’ve been there for us in so many different ways, caring for us physically and emotionally. We consider you all angels, or superheroes, and your impact has stretched far beyond just me and John-Mark. You, too, loved Jacob with us, and continue to help us walk this road that we’re on. One that we never wanted to be on. Thank you for caring for us and being there for us to answer the hard questions, go to the hard appointments, and process and grieve with us. We are so blessed by you. [For those of you who have been touched by Jacob’s life, and who want to give in his honor, we’d love to invite you to consider giving a gift to Noah’s Children as a way to thank them with us.]
To Lindsey, you have been an incredible friend to me over the past several months. You know that I love your sweet girls, and your new baby boy, so much, even though I've never even gotten to meet you in person. I can't wait for this summer so that I can hug you - and probably shed many tears at that moment - and share a glass of wine with you as we remember and laugh and cry together. You have pointed me to Jesus time and time again. You have allowed me to be a part of your story, and you've been a huge part of the healing and redemption process of mine. Thank you and Kevin for loving me, John-Mark, and our sweet, sweet Jacob so well. I hate that we've both had to go on this journey, but I am so thankful that Jacob's life has given me a new friend in you!
To our doctors and nurses from VWC & St. Mary's, you've cared for us so well from the very beginning through now. Thank you for introducing us to Noah's, for giving Jacob's life value and dignity, and for giving me the best possible care that we could have received. In the most tragic of circumstances, you have been there with us. We are so thankful.
To our families, we love you. You have been there with us and for us in ways that have amazed us. Thank you for loving and supporting us so well, and for loving our sweet boy with as much love as he'd receive from you even if he had decades on this earth. We love you!
To Shelley, Lindsay & Brandon, thank you for being there to meet our son. It was quite an honor to introduce him to you. You've walked down this road with us and still walk it with us, and the fact that you got to know Jacob just makes my heart beam.
To our community group, our church family, countless friends... you've celebrated with us from afar and you've mourned with us as we've mourned. Thank you for blessing us with meals, for giving us gift cards to Chipotle, for sending flowers and books and all sorts of incredible goodies. You've truly been there for and with us, and we cannot imagine walking this journey alone. Thank you for not forcing us to. In the darkest times, we've seen you step in and be a light for us. You've shown us God's character in your grace and generosity towards us. Thank you.
And to our sweet boy... oh, we miss you so much. We love you to pieces. We'd give anything to have you close to us, and to be watching you sleep right now on the couch next to us, or to feel you in our arms once more. We know that you are in the absolute best place you could ever be right now, as you're literally in the presence of God, but that feels so far away. We can't wait to see you again some day. I pray often that God would tell you that I love you and that he'd ask your people up there to hold you and squeeze you for me. I miss you so much. You gave us the most incredible seven hours of our lives. We have a lifetime to remember those hours and to wish for more, but what a seven hours they were. Thank you for making us parents, for teaching us that life is precious, for expanding our hearts to love in a way that we never could have imagined before. We love you forever, our sweet little man. We can't wait to see you again, and to celebrate once more and for an infinite number of times, with you, your birthday. We love you, Jacob.
