I'm Learning

Some days are harder than others.I'm learning that.I'm also learning that this journey we're on is messy. Ugh, how I hate this mess. There's this temptation to want to speed through it and just have it over with because it hurts. And then there's the reminder that our precious baby is still very much alive because those sweet baby kicks are a true delight to me. So then again, I don't want to speed through it. I don't know the number of kicks that I'll feel and I just want to soak them in.I mean, how do you let yourself really feel? How do you let yourself really grieve? Really anticipate and celebrate life? I'm starting to learn and I'm connecting with others who are teaching me because they unfortunately know and I'm taking tiny steps. But then I'm back in the blur of it all.And I've never been more simultaneously thrilled and disappointed by the chaos of the start of a semester. It's just so busy, so crazy, and it's so refreshing.I'm learning it's hard sometimes to just sit and let myself be in the midst of it all. It's hard to not be distracted and it's hard to have days where even though I am distracted, in the background, there's just this looming circumstance that I want so desperately to not be mine.  Some days we laugh and some days we enjoy and every once in a while we find ourselves letting it all out. The tears, the sadness, the losses that we're anticipating... and I'm learning that that's all good too. It's so good for the soul.So many of you have loved us well. You've cared for us. You've texted. You've written. You've called. You've shared verses & songs & words & stories. You've sat in silence. You've cried with us. You've brought us food and you've sent us sweet things.  Your love does not go unnoticed. You're rejoicing with us as we rejoice and you're grieving with us as we grieve and I have to imagine that there are jewels being added to your crowns in Heaven.I'm learning that often whose presence and prayers and words have meant the most are you who have tasted a grief deeper than ours right now or who are walking in the darkest of valleys and yet you humble us by praying over us or crying with us. And quite often you give us the greatest glimpses of God's grace and glory.  I'm learning that God is using you to touch the deepest parts of our souls.Thank you. To all of you. Thank you for caring and for loving and for being willing to enter this journey with us.  On the harder days - and the less hard days - you remind us that God is kind and He's near. I'm learning that you really are His hands and feet for us right now.We long to look back in decades and see in hindsight God's hand and sovereignty over each step in the process.  And in His kindness we're even able to see it now... even on the hard days, and the hard weekends, and the hard times when we have to just sit in our pain and let it engulf us in the silence.  We know that His grace abounds. We know that there's joy to be had.  The heights of the joy are often unknown without the depths of the pain.Today, may I learn to love God through this. May I learn to be honest, to give myself space, to seek Him, to wrestle and to praise. May I learn to soak in this path that He's put me on.May I walk with Him through the valley and on the peak.I'm here. I'm learning. Lord, teach me.