God's Sovereignty and Our Baby

Writing has always been a healing place for me.  There's something so freeing to me about getting my words onto paper (or word documents, as is evidenced by my computer's hard drive) from out of my head and my heart, and giving myself a space to just be.  So, as our world changed drastically this past week, I decided I needed to begin here. I need a place to be, a place to write, a place to share updates with those I love. And as a result, this blog was created.  I long for this to be a place where I document God's sovereignty and grace, where I can wrestle and grieve and celebrate, and where I can invite others in to where we are. I want our baby's life to be remembered, to be enjoyed, to be loved. This is the beginning of a road I never imagined walking down.  Below is a letter I've sent to friends and family this past week with the full story & many prayer requests.  Here, the journey begins.

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On Wednesday, Aug 26, I had an in-depth ultrasound as a follow-up to some blood work that alerted us to our baby having a higher risk for a possible neural tube defect.  John-Mark and I had the privilege of getting to see our sweet baby kick, squirm, flip, and beat it's little heart at 142 beats per minute on screen. We saw many different things since the ultrasound was so in-depth, like it's little feet (looked like the cutest tiny footprints on the screen!!) and hands.

We also found out that our baby is not developing as it should.  At this point, we still don't know much and we are learning that answers might not always be there, sometimes maybe ever. That's okay. We will continue to walk this path.Baby's skull has not developed as it should, meaning that the brain is exposed and will not be able to continue to grow properly. It is an extremely rare neural tube defect called "acrania" (be careful how/if you search Google). Our time with our baby is going to be too short.  God will either call our baby home before we have a chance to meet him/her, or I will have the privilege and honor of carrying full-term and we will get to see our baby face to face.  If that is the case, our baby will only be able to survive outside the womb for a brief time before he or she gets to enter Eternity.

Obviously, this news is heartbreaking. We are in shock and in tears, not fully sure what to think, feel, do... the reality that we are not guaranteed anything is so much more real to us right now than it was before.  God's hand is in this, He's not surprised, and as our staff team read this week in Psalm 16, "The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." I still believe that to be true. Our baby's life is beautiful, still, and it matters, still.

Things to pray for:

- God's nearness and peace and comfort as we process. We're in the shock phase right now. I imagine all sorts of things will come soon. It's hard. We are exhausted and drained already.

- Us in our marriage as we learn to love each other in and through things we never wanted to or dreamed we'd experience. Our one year anniversary is October 5th.

- Our sweet baby - thanking God and praising God for life, and praying for us to get to know him/her as long as we can. (I am specifically praying to carry full-term so that John-Mark gets to hold our sweet baby, like I get to hold him/her right now.)

- Our family and friends as we are all devastated and grieving.

- God to be glorified in and through it all. That bitterness would not take root, that space would be made for grieving and for celebrating, that others might know Jesus because of our sweet baby's short life. God can work miracles and He is the Creator of life. We are not numb to that fact, and we know that as he knits our baby together in my womb, he may choose to form a skull where one is not currently present. Pray for God to heal miraculously, with boldness, if you want : ).

Thank you for caring, for praying, and for being sweet friends to us. We love you.