Your 2nd Birthday

Hi Jacob,It's your birthday, and we have had a sweet day as a family celebrating you.It's hard sometimes - celebrating. Mostly because we love you so much and so celebrating seems incomplete without you. At times, that part - the without part - feels big and obvious and empty and sad.  There's a hole in our family without you here with us.  And yet, our family isn't complete without you.  It's a special thing.But also, how fun it is to celebrate you! This year you would be two. Two! I can't believe it. I wonder what you would be up to. What things you would like to play with.  How fun and loud you would be.  Maybe you'd be fun and quiet. I can only imagine the number of duplos/legos we'd have for you. And the way you'd want to dress up like a super hero.  Oh, two would be so fun with you!I only ever imagine you with a big, bright smile.  In fact, sometimes I see little boys and something about them makes me think of you - something will catch my eye and make me think that you'd look like them.  I see similar features even from you as a newborn and I'm curious.  Would my Jacob be like him?This morning I was looking at pictures of you while I was awake with your sister.  Yes, your sister is at home with us now.  She is so sweet, like you were.  She has a similar demeanor that you did - calm and happy.  Her cry is different than yours.  I know that because I listened to your cry again.  I like that you have your own voices.  Hearing yours was so familiar to me, and yet different than the one that fills our home these days.  She brings us such delight - her name is fitting for her.  She reminds me that God is with me, which is also part of why we named her.  You taught me that first.  Well, God taught me through you.  He's with me.  It's beautiful to see that He is the same now during her life as he was during yours.This year has been long for me.  I think for you, it's probably flown.  I don't know how it works but I often will ask God for things for you like to have your grandpa do something special with you on days like today.  We miss him too.  I'm jealous you can know him before I can.Most of the past year was spent anticipating your sister's arrival.  On the day she was born, we heard your name over and over again from people who love you and knew you and remember you from the hospital where you spent all of your earth-side hours.  It was so special to me.  My baby boy is remembered, and loved.  Special friends of yours were there when she was born... God knows.  He cares.  He loves me.  I am far too blessed by him and his intentionality with me.You'd love her, Jacob.  You really would.  She knows about you - we've told her so many fun things!  We've introduced her to you and we talk about you.  Today she's even wearing a onesie with a lion on it for you.  We had cupcakes last weekend and we also will next weekend to celebrate you and today we had a day together as a family.  You were a part of it even though you weren't here.  We laughed and we sat in quiet together and we talked about you and we talked about her and life and normal things.Jacob buddy, I'm so sad that you aren't here today.  The fun that I've gotten to experience with your sister has been so special.  Her smile lights up her entire face and anyone else's who's around.  And my stomach drops right now thinking about how I don't get to see your smile.  I don't get to have fun experiences with you right now.  Her life has grown my love for you as my love for her has grown, too... because I have begun to see how much I want you here with me, to have fun with me, and to be at home.  With me.But, Jacob, you are so loved.  You are so cared for.  And for whatever reason - and I'm not completely sure there is a definite one - you aren't here.  You are so loved that God has allowed you to be with Him, in eternity.  Not because He needed you more.  Not because I needed to learn something.  Not because we simply did something wrong.  But I've become more grounded in the fact that in God's goodness and because of His love for each of us, you're there. And I'm here.It's painful.  But I feel so steady and sure of that.Your dad is incredible, by the way. He's shown me that more and more this year.  He cares for you and me and your sister so well.  He's the best.  I love that you looked like him.  That you had his demeanor.  I'm still not crazy about the fact that you had his shoulders... but I'll deal :)Anyway, I'll wrap this up. But I have one last thing to share with you, Jacob.Today we added another footprint to our family Bible.  I don't know how regularly we'll mark special verses in our lives.  We have your two feet stamped by Psalm 16 and John 20.  Today we added your sister's left foot beside Revelation 21.  The truths in this passage have meant so much to me this year, and she's named partially because of verse 3... that God is with us.  Today we read these verses as a family, and  I'm going to share them with you now, because you're living with the God that these verses tell us about.  I'm sharing them because HE is who gives me hope.  I'm not alone.  We're not alone.  We are loved.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.  To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment.  The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son."

Jacob, you are so loved.  You are so missed.  Build some duplos up in heaven for us today to celebrate, little one.  We love you because you are ours.Happy 2nd birthday, my sweet, sweet Jacob.Love,Mom