To our sweet son

It's been a few weeks since I've written anything on here. That I've published at least.The honest truth is that it's been a hard few weeks.  Lots of good mixed in that we're treasuring, but also lots of hard.  Some bitterness & frustration in my heart, some hard news, some long days and some tear-filled nights.  Aloneness and questions and exhaustion and reality.  But also joys. There's joy there too.  Gifts of time and food and cards and packages on our doorsteps.  Baby kicks and a squirmy ultrasound and a group of incredible people who are caring for us in this time as our perinatal hospice care team family -- and oh, I have a feeling you'll be hearing way more about them.  They're a true gift, and one that we never knew existed and yet has already in two conversations been significant people in this journey.And so, in the midst of the heartache - posts of which I will bring myself to pressing "publish" on one day because I know that even in pain God uses words to touch hearts at times... and knowing that not every post needs to be wrapped up all pretty with a bow and put on a shelf - we've had some significant moments of genuine love and care showered upon us.  Like these sweet family photos by a sweet friend Kate who blessed us with her time and artistic talents and left us with memories that we'll be cherishing and holding onto for decades to come.And, the biggest of exciting news yet, we decided on our baby boy's first name and have begun joyfully calling him by his name proudly, growing a fond affection for what we so confidently have given him.My mama's heart beams with pride and joy each time we get to share our baby boy's name with people.  Every time I hear him called Jacob.  Every time John-Mark gives him a new nickname or pronounces his name in a silly way or talks to him and kisses him through my tummy.So here's an open letter to my sweet Jacob.  Feel free to eavesdrop.Dear Jacob,I love calling you Jacob.  I love that you are our son.  I love that we get to spend our days and our weeks and our lives loving you.  Yes, there will be pain, and there already is, but I think pain comes with love oftentimes.  Jacob, you bring us such joy.  We love you more than you know and you are a true gift to our family.The truth is, there were several months where we had no idea what to call you, or what to name you.  Naming a person seemed like such a big task! I was so afraid that I wouldn't like it forever or that I'd regret the choice we made.  Prior to actually having the task of naming a baby, I had always loved and dreamed of names.  I love learning meanings of names and legacies of names. But this, Jacob, is better than I dreamed of.This is a name we've given to you, our son, who God has given to us.Now, your name belongs to you - the little person who has stolen our hearts and has changed our life so drastically.  It's not just a name floating in my head, but you have become your name and your name has become you, and I love it even more.Jacob means "may God protect" and it's so fitting for you.  You will learn more quickly than I how much of a protector God is of your little life.  You'll be protected almost your entire life by God in Heaven and we're trusting Him so much with your life here.  In fact, when we found out about you we were on the other side of the world, away from friends & family & contact with outsiders.  I couldn't do anything or talk to anyone and we were so scared something would happen while we were away from home for six weeks.  And my prayers then - which mean more than anything I have ever prayed now - were simply for God to protect you, to grow you, and to show us what it looked like to trust Him with you.  May God protect you, Jacob.  You're named after some pretty special people, too.  First you're named after our brother, James.  James and Jacob are the same name... one comes from Greek and one from Hebrew.  He's a good one to be named after, Jacob.  He loves Jesus, and he loves you, and he's one of our favorite people in the world.  Especially one of your dad's.And there's our grandfathers, and our uncles, and other family members named James.  We have good people in our family.  It's special for us to have you continue their legacy and the impact that they've had on us.You'll have a middle name or two, but you don't yet.  In time : )We love you, Jacob.  We love how you're growing us and stretching us and teaching us about love.  We love how you have turned our worlds upside down and how you have grown us closer to each other and how you've brought such joy into our lives.  We can't wait to learn more about your little personality, Jacob.  We have such a glimpse into who you are already, and we trust that God will continue to use you to make a significant impact in our lives and those who know you.Jacob, you are our brave, courageous, fierce little man.  We hope you love your name as much as we do.  We love you, sweet boy.Love,Your mama & daddy