Showing Up

After going through significant loss, there's something that happens where those who are grieving start to feel like they are the expert in how other people should treat the hurting. Many times, people have said or done things really well to care for them - but often, this is spurred on because they feel as if many people have done or said really hurtful things in their attempts to care.As someone grieving, it's tempting to want to correct others and create a list of "rules" to follow on how to do and say exactly the perfectly correct things -- and while this can be often rooted in genuine care, I think at times, it comes from a place of hurting. If only people knew exactly how to care for me, it wouldn't have hurt as much, we (the grieving) subconsciously think.  We think that if we just heard the exact right things and someone did the exact right things for us, then we'd feel better.  Of course, it's possible that people can add salt to a wound and there certainly are things that others should be cautious about regarding their care for us.  But I've noticed that deep down, what we're really saying when we try to tell people exactly how to care for us, is that we want the pain to go away and we think that they can make it happen.The honest truth, though, is that if you're grieving a significant loss, it is going to hurt. We cannot avoid it.  We've lost someone significant, and we loved them.  So we are going to be in pain. Nothing that anyone says or does can really satisfy and heal us.Grief requires a journey, allowing ourselves to feel the pain, to say the hard things out loud, to process and cry and mourn - to celebrate, and to go through the full experience.  It takes time - but time isn't the healer.  It takes reflecting - but that isn't the healer.  It takes community - but they aren't the healer.  Jesus is the Only One who can truly satisfy to the deepest places of our hearts what we are crying out and longing for - the Only One who can meet us in our pain, and help us to come to a place of healthy grief where we can celebrate and mourn and begin to wrap our minds around what is going on.  And Only He can do this because Only He truly satisfies - because we are made in relationship with Him, because He created us and knows us intimately, and because He Himself suffered on our behalf that we might know Him.  He understands.But there's a tension.  Nothing will take the pain away except for Jesus' healing - and He's the Only One who understands (and "healing" is a loose term - we're never over our losses necessarily, but I'll use the word "healing" to describe a place of understanding and continued growth in the long-suffering timeline of grief).  But also, we, as a greater community, are told to "rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep" (Romans 12:15).  He's given us friends and family, who are told to weep with us, and we have experienced things that were hurtful and helpful in that.  So what do we do with that?Because I think that setting up "rules" for people to follow (meaning: exact statements to say or not say, or things along those lines) actually can cause people to feel more nervous to say or do anything because they don't want to get it wrong, I've learned that the best thing to encourage people when they want to know how to care for someone hurting... is to tell them to show up.Everyone is different and everyone grieves differently.  Something someone said to me that was so helpful and insightful might not actually be beneficial to my friend who has walked a similar road but with different, specific, and personal details.The bottom line, though, is that grief is lonely... and the best thing that our friends and family can do for us when they want to care for us is to help us to feel less alone.  While we must find our closest companion in Jesus during our grief, we can also feel tangible love and care - other people showing His love for us through them - through our family and friends - and even strangers.  When other people show up for us, it helps to remind us that we are seen, that we are loved, and that our children, or those we've lost, are remembered.So what does showing up look like?In all practicality - it can look like a million different things. A text. A phone call. A letter. A card. A meal. An offer to scrub my bathtub.  A comment in public when we run into each other at the store and you are brave enough to say their name to me. Even two years later.There are a ton of different ways to do this.  There are a million ways to say the right things (or not say the right things).  But if the heart of those who are caring for us is: I want to show them love and so I will show up... I think you've already started a mile ahead of where you could be.You can't heal them, but you can care for those who are hurting.  And it's not too complicated. All it takes is being there, moving towards them, listening, showing them love.  Be willing to be a vessel that Jesus might use to help them as they grieve.Show up. It matters.

If you'd like to hear more about this topic, I've created a list of five helpful ways to care for others who are grieving. You can download that here.

I also highly recommend Nancy Guthrie's book: What Grieving People Wish You Knew About What Really Helps (and What Really Hurts) which can be found practically anywhere books are sold! I found it helpful even in my own grief to understand myself - I pray it does the same for you!