One Year Ago Today

One year ago, today, our lives completely changed.This morning as we took our time waking up, I said out loud to John-Mark, "It's been a long year, hasn't it?"It's been really long. Not long because it's dragged on. But long because I can't really remember life before.The moments leading up to August 26, 2015, are distant and vague.Life was sweet. Hard at times, sure, but sweet.In May we learned God brought another little life into our family. What a joy!And in August, when I was 16 weeks along, I received a phone call on a Friday afternoon from my doctor. It wasn't her nurse. It was my doctor. My heart sank.And the confusion began. I look back on those five days as if it were a blur of dizziness and haziness.We sat in the waiting room on August 26, nervous. I remember asking John-Mark to take a picture of my growing "bump" before we left the house because I hadn't taken one that week. I stood there, freezing that moment in my memory. Almost as if I needed to remember the before.We laughed in awe at our baby flipping and kicking and look at the baby's healthy spine!  "We think it's a boy?" the technician shared with us. But it was too early to be sure.A BOY! We dreamed of all things boy from that instant as she left the room, going to get the doctor. He would get a son. Think of all the fun.And then she came in, calm, but quiet. She looked at a few things."We're seeing some problems."I lay my head back on the pillow, closed my eyes. Tears were streaming. Hands held tighter, he moved closer.She began to share words that I had never heard. My heart began to break. She began to share the route most take... I responded that it wasn't an option. "It's healthy for her to carry the baby to term?" he asked. "Yes, it's completely healthy for her as far as we can tell right now," she answered.He might not make it to term. He might not make it to next week. It's hard to tell."If... If I carry, and the baby is still alive at this point, will I get to feel the baby kick?" Tears filled her eyes, and she silently nodded yes.The questions you ask when you've just received that news.Then, the quiet.They printed every picture.They gave us time.We drove home in tears. We sobbed on our couch. We stared off in disbelief.We made the heart wrenching phone calls. I hated breaking their hearts.But I loved my baby more than I had ever known was possible. And I had just seen him kick. And flip. His heart beat, healthy. He takes after his daddy. At least, we thought it was a he. We had it confirmed three weeks later.I remember at the early appointments they'd tell us of more problems that could arise or that they'd seen, and we'd see him heal and grow and surpass the odds. At times we'd see things deteriorate, and it was too much to stomach. This morning I realized anew that when I remember my sweet baby all I remember is a perfectly formed little boy who I love with my whole heart.My sweet baby boy who was so calm and peaceful. Who shocked us with a full head of curly brown hair and whose eyes I never got to see. The sweetest voice and the most perfect cry. He had a perfect nose and beautiful lips, long fingers he liked to keep in a fist, and the cutest little feet. His legs were chubby and his arms were like tootsie rolls.A thousand times over I'd choose to carry to term.  A thousand times over I'd take seven hours with him over none. A thousand times over I'd love him again and again and again.The ache is real and deep.This anniversary hits hard.My heart cries out in anger and I sob in deep pain. I lash out irrationally and I clam up in silence. I am flat out exhausted. But what was true a year ago is true today: the lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. [Psalm 16]We had flowers for months, and even still flowers on our table a year later because people remember.This morning I chose to sit before the Lord. It's hard for me to do that lately. But the other day I opened my Bible and I chose to let out the words that were so hard for me to say to Him. Again today I chose to sit with Him. I chose to praise Him.As I sang along with the song playing from my phone, I felt great joy. I haven't felt great joy in a long time.But joy, knowing that my son gets to be in the presence of the Most High. My son gets to know Him. My son gets to worship Him for eternity.No pain. No suffering. No sin. No broken heart. No hurt feelings. No painful doubts.Jacob gets the better end of the deal.And I get to join him in praising the same God. The God who I often feel hurt by because He took my son, but the God who understands because He lost His Son, too. The God whose nearness I question, but the God who truly withstood being forsaken so that I wouldn't be.A long year.A year of pains and of sorrows.A year of great joy and greater love.Let the Amen sound from His people again.I didn't know if I'd survive today. Earlier this week it appeared that I wouldn't. A friend reminded me that "you just do the next thing," and that's what I've done. You just do the next thing. You just get through the next moment. You let your heart take a break. You let yourself remember the heartache and you let yourself feel the pain of the worst day.But you let yourself remember the love, too. You let yourself feel the ache of loss and you rejoice that there is deep loss because his life was deeply precious and of course there's a hole there.You let yourself feel joy because there is joy and there was joy and there's more joy to come.You let yourself grieve freely because there's no formula and it's not linear and the stages lie.You smile and you love and you celebrate his life. Still.You speak his name with courage. You look ahead to the day you'll get to see him and you remember. You remember that you'll then get to see One who you'll long for even more.All the redeemed, washed by his blood, come and rejoice in his great love! Oh praise Him! Alleluia. Christ has defeated every sin. Cast all your burdens now on Him. Oh praise Him! Oh praise Him! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia.He shall return in power to reign. Heaven and Earth will join to say, Oh praise Him! Alleluia! Then who shall fall on bended knee? All creatures of our God and King! Oh praise Him! oh Praise Him! Alleluia! Alleluia! Oh praise Him! Oh praise Him! Alleluia.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uP_2YUTtpY