On Loneliness
I fight a battle in my heart and mind so regularly. It's a lie I hear so often that it feels like my own voice, telling me what's true about myself.
It sounds a little like this:
I'm all alone.
It has variations, rewordings, cousins -
- I'm the only one who...
- I'm never... or I always...
- I'm clearly an outsider here...
- No one understands...
I cannot separate my motherhood from my grief, and since both of those things are, on their own, considered to be great isolators, I have seen more feelings of loneliness surface in my heart and life in the past three and a half years than I have at any other time I can remember.
And at the same time, I repeatedly hear the same refrain from the college students we work with - who are neither new mothers, nor mothers who have lost children. "I'm feeling lonely." "No one wants to hang out with me." "I'm an outsider to [this group]."
And just a few weeks ago, several friends from my church bravely shared their feelings of loneliness and insecurity, each in completely different stages of life and for different reasons.
I bet we could trace back amplified feelings of loneliness to things like social media usage or the way our own culture of busyness prevents us from making real connections with people. We tend to polarize rather than relate, and we are all vying for our individual uniqueness to an extreme sometimes that we can't possibly imagine how our unique strengths complement or even overlap. I haven't done my research but anecdotally I can just imagine the various phenomena that deal with loneliness in our current age. It seems to be a global reality (for Americans at least)... this loneliness.
For me, though, this loneliness has a tendency to eat me up inside. I look to those around me in comparison and imagine that I'm continually worse off. "If only..." I begin to think. "Then maybe I would be satisfied."
Now, there is some reality to some of our feelings. Yes, there are some of us who spend days without talking to another human being for one reason or another circumstantially. That is lonely. There are some of us who are wading in a deep grief, that yes, is lonely. Sometimes we are actually left out, even if completely unintentionally. And sometimes we isolate ourselves in an attempt to find worth, but instead, find sadness when no one wants to be around us. Make no mistake that I often find these feelings valid, and the feelings around them legitimate.
But too many times, regardless of the reality of the circumstances, we allow our feelings of loneliness to dictate the rest of our worlds.
And recently as I was reflecting on this, I began to realize how damaging it can be to live in a culture where loneliness is increasingly prevalent and almost expected - in many ways, we let the lies we believe about yourselves as it relates to others to eat us alive. There's a reason depression and anxiety are on the rise. They are complex disorders and diseases, but honestly, there often is some sort of lie or misunderstanding about ourselves and about God that accompanies the root of these things in our lives.
So - if we often fall into the trap of some sort of lie as it relates to our loneliness, we must ask ourselves: What is true about loneliness, and what is true about relationship?
- First, we are created for relationship and community... primarily with God himself! He created us to know him and have a relationship with him - and we see this from Genesis through Revelation! God walks with man in the Garden (Genesis 2) and in the New Heaven and New Earth he makes the proclamation that "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man!" (Revelation 21) - Always and forever, we were made to know God, and made to be in a relationship with him. He is with us. But also, we are created to be in relationship with others! God saw that it was unfit for man to be alone when he created Adam (again, Genesis 2) so he created a woman to be in relationship with him - and declared it good! We aren't made to be alone. We are made to be with others.
- Loneliness is real. When sin entered the world, one of the first noticeable consequences was that Adam and Eve had to leave God's presence - they no longer were with him. Imagine that loneliness after knowing God and then being forced to be apart from him! Ever since, a trail of brokenness has followed - among that trail is broken relationships, including loneliness. We experience true loneliness in grief and when our lives look different than others' and when we are left out or hurt or made to look as though we are someone we are not. Loneliness is real, and is a result of the sin of the world. We all feel it.
- There is a war raging for our souls. When we are isolated, we are so much more susceptible to straying from truth, from believing lies that are whispered to us about ourselves, about God, and about the world. The lies that perpetuate those hurt feelings which stem from loneliness only have a tendency to lead us further into isolation! We act out, pushing others away from us. We pull away because we think it will protect ourselves from further hurt. And so on. Isolation leads to believing lies which leads to more isolation. It's a painful cycle.
So if all of those things are true about loneliness and relationship, what hope is there for us? What does it mean for us to experience loneliness in this life but handle it in a way that doesn't destroy us?
First, we must find our true companionship in the One who created us to know him and be with him. Yes, the consequence for sin is separation from God, but God does say in eternity that he will dwell with his people. So what happened? Jesus. Jesus willingly entered this world, taking a step away from his heavenly throne (and isn't moving kind of lonely?). He lived a life that we were called to live but that none of us could (and isn't choosing to obey God when everyone around us doesn't... kind of lonely?). And then he died the death we deserved, eternally separating himself from God on our behalf (and you guessed it - that's ultimately loneliness).
BUT. He rose again! Jesus brings us victory in his resurrection. This means that when we believe in him, he brings us into relationship with God. He brings us close, and he offers true restoration to all of the brokenness in our lives and in the world. He meets all of the emptiness of our souls with what truly satisfies us - God himself. And on top of that, he gives us a community of brothers and sisters who he brought into his family - our new family - via adoption as sons.
We have a place. God has given us a place. We are ultimately not alone.
Then, we can bravely lean into the isolation and fight the lies we are believing with the awareness of his love for us. In this, we can begin to learn how to find our satisfaction in him, rather in others' approval or actions (or the absence of!). Because of Jesus, we are freed from the bondage of sin and death (John 8:32). This is Good News. We are no longer bound by the lies that we believe about ourselves as a result of the loneliness we all face. In the power of the Holy Spirit, we can - and must - fight for truth to renew our minds (Romans 12:1-2). This starts when we begin to believe the love that God has for us. Then we are freed to fight the lies with truth.
Who is God? Who does God say you are? What does God say he does for us? Remind yourself of truth, and surrender your feelings to him. And if you find your wounds of loneliness so deep or so blurred with past pain or hurts... consider seeking out a counselor or other spiritual mentor to help you process!
Next, we have the ability to handle our loneliness with truth and grace. There are times that we must be honest with others in our loneliness. For example, when you lose someone you love and someone close to you all but abandons you, there are times that it would be necessary and the most loving thing to actually confront that person with truth about how they have hurt you. Speaking truth into situations like this helps to grow them and point them to their need for the gospel, but also to love others better in the future. Not to mention it brings restoration to a relationship that may have been damaged between you and another person. Sometimes, we must confront the situation when the hurt has been ...against us.
On the other hand, though, there are times when we are to show others grace. There are times when we are left out completely unintentionally and we give others the benefit of the doubt. There are times when others just don't know that their actions or inactions have caused us to feel more lonely - they just might not have lost like you have. They just might not know. There are times when our past baggage or experiences influences our sensitivity towards loneliness more than anything else. Sometimes, there is a place where we come to the Lord in our hiddenness and we trust that He is working where we cannot see.
He is the only one who can meet us in our needs - and he is full of grace and truth (John 1:14).
Lastly, the way that God meets us in our loneliness enables us to initiate and engage with others in a way that says, "Me too. We're not alone." I love the freedom that Jesus gives us in knowing him. The Holy Spirit opens our eyes to seeing the world as he sees it. He gives us the courage and bravery - because we can find our ultimate satisfaction, comfort, and confidence in him! - to engage with others in ways that we long for!
Grieving and lonely? You know how to love others - you know what it means when someone shows up. You may find yourself the capacity to enter into the pain of others who are grieving and say: We're not alone.
Wishing others saw you how you know you really are? You know what it's like to be overlooked, or to be mistaken. Look around. Who around you is also misunderstood? Who is mistaken often by others? You have the ability to look them in the eyes and say: Me too. I see you, too. And I'm not the only One who does.
Are you desperate for friends? When Jesus meets you in your loneliness, you can rest in the reality that he meets you at your deepest heart need and therefore initiate those friendships you long for! Does your life look different than your friends'? When Jesus meets you in your loneliness and you are confident that he sees you, even if no one else seems to, you can continue to engage and care for others... even the ones whose lives look how you wish they looked.
The list goes on and on.
"Me too. We're not alone." Those two thoughts could change everything.
I think wallowing in loneliness will always be a trap that pulls at my heart. There will always be a component of my life that is lonely - I will always be without my oldest son. That in and of itself is a loneliness that I'll carry with me until Eternity. There will always be parts of my life that I wish were different. There will always be something that makes me feel lesser or outside of or fill in the blank.
But the truth is, I'm never truly alone. The God who sees me is the God [who is] With Us. The God who dwells within. In my hurt, in my brokenness, in all the best that I could offer, Jesus is near. He knows me and he loves me anyway. He grows me closer and he makes me more like him. More reasons for the world to look at me and say I'm alone? Maybe he'll call me to that life. But more opportunities for me to see the world like he does? Absolutely.
He came near and he meets me. He came near and now I can meet others. I'm both comforted and convicted.
My friend, if you are battling these lies today, know this. Even in your feelings of loneliness... you are not alone. Don't give into the belief that you must be the only one. It's just not true.
Do look to the One who satisfies you. In those valid and invalid moments of isolation, ask Him to draw near to your heart. When lies and hurt feelings threaten to overcome you, lean into the One who heals all. Remember the truth of who he is. Remember whose you are.
You are loved. You are seen. You are known.
You are not alone.
I recently wrote about feeling misunderstood specifically in grief related to pregnancy and infant loss, but I think the truths I shared about Jesus can speak into all types of misunderstandings. Here's a link if you'd like to read more.
Also, every Monday for the next several weeks I'm sharing a short devotional about God's promise to be with us throughout His Word. Here's a link to the intro post explaining more. Check back the next few weeks and let God's Word speak to your soul!