Learning My Limits

I never realized how much I valued being able to just go and do and be productive - and how much I placed my value and identity in being able to tackle anything.Until suddenly I just couldn't anymore.A few weeks ago I wrote about the beauty of grief and how I'm coming to understand that there is beauty in it, even in the pain.Another subsequent result of grief that I also have come to find beautiful? How much it uncovers and reveals what's truly in your heart.My idealized view of motherhood came crashing down on me, repeatedly, as I have wrestled with my new identity as a mom even as my arms have been empty.  Several times over.Habits of people-pleasing and finding my worth in how others saw me rocked me as I began to fear what others thought of me in my grief, in my pain, in my healing, as we got pregnant again, as we lost again, as we celebrated, as we mourned, as we made countless decisions.And then there was the way I had to come to grips with the end of myself.  My limits.I started to realize them as I faced coming back to work after my maternity leave following Jacob's death.  Thankful to work for an organization that gave me great freedom in taking a full maternity leave and bereavement, and for those above me who allowed me to re-enter the world of full-time ministry with grace and ease, I wanted even less so to disappoint them, to let them and my teammates down, to feel anything but "normal" - as if I could carry on like I would have before.  With each semester, I gained a tiny bit more "normalcy" in my life, even as I grieved, and so I took that as a sign that I could take on a great deal more responsibility back in my work days and in my outside-of-work rhythms.  Tiny more adjustment to taking a significant amount more onto my plate? Turns out, not a good trade.Time and time again, I've been pulled back down to reality as I've realized I just can't do it all.  I'm continually surprised that I just don't have that capacity anymore.It stings for me to say that.  I can't invest the way I want to right now.  I can't influence those my heart breaks for in the ways that I think I ought to be.  I can't do all the hours and engage in the small things and still make it out alive.  My body stops me every time.  Whether through anxiety attacks or sicknesses or becoming completely overstimulated and maxed out of every emotion and sensation.  I shut down.I have begun to wrap my head around my limits.And, quite honestly, I don't like them.I ache for my friendships on one hand, and yet, I look around and notice that my friendships have changed.  But I just cannot reach out in the same way anymore.I grow frustrated at my continued need for quiet and rest.  For the way that my weekends can't be full of fun like they used to.  For how I haven't experienced things I always thought would be our regular activities.  I cannot extend myself like I used to.I can only take in but so much information.  I can only engage in but so many hard conversations.  I can only meet but so many new people, learn but so many new things, take on but so many new tasks.This must be normal as life changes and grows more full with new children and more responsibility at work and deeper friendships with people.  Adulthood.  So freeing and yet so eye-opening to the necessity for realizing my priorities.There's a gift of pregnancy that I've unfortunately experienced too often this time around.  My body will quit on me.  Commanding me to slow down.  I'm just not the same as I once was.And yet, I don't need to be.All of the things that I'm frustrated by because of my limits - those idols of motherhood and people-pleasing and feeling unstoppable... those things aren't new things.  My grief and my growing two humans has not brought new issues to the table for me.  All those things have been there all along.  I just fast forwarded through some of the process of uncovering it all.And as I'm learning to accept my limits, recognizing my idols and continually surrendering them back over to the Lord, and giving myself permission to slow down and to allow myself the space to heal, I'm realizing that there isn't a shame in how much I've achieved.  There isn't a shame in having limits.It's how we're all created to be.  Limited.  Human.We just live in the facade of a world that tell us the opposite.Be more, do more, achieve more.  It's seemingly in our DNA as Americans, and also within the church.  I love to dream and I'll continue to dream for myself and for others and to help them to develop to the best of their potential.  Yes.  But there comes a point where each of us has to set our feet behind a line in surrender and recognition that we must come to the end of ourselves.There's a point where we must say I'll rest.I'll rest in my good reality rather than never being satisfied.  I'll rest in my giftings, in my passions, in the timing of this all, trusting that I can have an impact now even while I'm looking ahead to what's to come.  I'll rest in my experience of motherhood, knowing that even if no one else sees it, I know Someone who does, and I can be secure in my identity as a mom because He gave me this role.  I'll rest from my continual clawing for approval because I know the One who's already approved of me, in spite of myself.I'll rest in my limits, knowing that I'm only human, and I cannot do it all.Because I never was supposed to.I'm here today, to remind myself of this truth.  I have limits.  And they're not bad.  They simply give me an opportunity to embrace who I am and to shake off the burden of pressure to become someone I'm not.  I won't go back to how I was before, because I can't.  But I can embrace who I have become.  And the messy and the hard have made me this way.  And that is beautiful, too.