I don't know that joy
One of the most bittersweet things for me has been this pregnancy. The sweetness of it has been that I am pregnant. I have gotten to experience a life growing inside of me, and my baby is full term. I've gotten to watch myself grow & feel baby kicks and hiccups & experienced so many things that I didn't know would even happen to my body while pregnant. I consider it a true gift, one I don't take for granted, one that I know many women - and many women I love dearly - would love to experience. I have loved being pregnant. I truly have.I love getting a chance to talk with other pregnant moms, or other moms who have experienced pregnancy, and getting to share with them about my journey the past 9 months. I love asking them questions and laughing over shared experiences (because some things that happen while you're pregnant just really are funny...). It makes me feel like I can be part of this club with them, even if I won't be a part of the next. I love that I can be part of it, even if my reality looks different.But sometimes this pregnancy rears an ugly side of bitter in my heart.Most pregnant or new moms I am completely able to be excited for and rejoice with and not feel any ugliness towards. But I honestly have no rhyme or reason, it seems, for when a pregnancy announcement or a new mom or a fellow expecting mom brings up the bitter - the sadness, the jealousy, the mental hesitations about their excitement that could turn to grief likes ours did. At times the bitter looks more like a sigh of relief when people reach 20 weeks and say their baby is healthy, and then an immediate sinking of my heart because I want to hear those words."It must be nice," I think, usually accompanied with an eye roll, "to have your worries post-childbirth to be limited to adjusting to life as a family of three..." Ugliness in my heart. Bitterness. Unpredictable and rare, thankfully, but honest.I don't know what it's like to be joyful in pregnancy without it being completely coated on all sides in grief, sorrow, and pain.I got to have a baby shower that was perfect and beautiful. But no, I didn't get to ever create a baby registry.I get to ask questions to seasoned moms about things dealing with labor & delivery and even some things after-birth, but it's all gaping with complete and obvious holes in the conversation because many things they experienced I just won't get to.I don't have a nursery down the hall that I'm decorating.I don't have a new stroller. Or new furniture. Or a new carseat in the car.I haven't gotten to watch my husband get frustrated with confusing directions while putting a crib together or hear unwanted advice from people about how to raise a baby "properly" or be gifted those "classic" baby items that everyone needs.I don't know anything about diapers or bottles or which brands are the good ones.I don't have a closet full of newborn baby clothes waiting to be washed and worn.I don't know what it's like to be a pregnant mom simply thrilled and excited for my baby's birthday, because it means we're bringing our perfect baby home and starting a new phase of loving him and snuggling him and learning everything we can about him.I'm not imagining life after February, making decisions about cloth diapers or disposable, planning trips for our family, anticipating restless nights with a tiny baby dependent on me, or even dreading that newborn, new parent fog that comes with all of it.The reality is that people might say I'm glowing or that I look great, but my pregnancy feels robbed at times of being normal. Of having something to look forward to. Of joining the ranks of the "#blessed" mamas who will have full hearts and arms - even when it's hard and when postpartum depression hits and when the exhaustion and hormones make them crazy - and who wouldn't have it any other way regardless.I don't know what it's like to really experience pregnancy in it's fullness where I'm actually looking forward to the time afterwards.I don't know that joy.And tonight I weep for it. What would it be like... I wonder when I see those beaming new moms or the other women who are pregnant like me.By God's grace, the bitterness towards the random pregnancies and newborns has been few and far between and has hit so randomly, so much so that most of the people my bitterness is aimed towards are strangers, or people I will never interact with on a normal basis, and most times God has dealt with my ugly heart with me before I even have a real chance to think anything about them. He's so kind to me. So if you're one of those women who have the joy of a healthy baby and pregnancy, hear me say this: I truly rejoice with you. I want to have those pregnancy conversations. I want to know your baby and I'd never wish this journey upon you. As much as I want to push you away, I can't. I celebrate with you.I just don't know your joy.But I do know this one.I know the joy that is intrinsically married to sorrow.I know the joy that is produced, only ever able to be produced by my Savior, as I have walked in the valley of the shadow of death. I know the joy that comes from continually surrendering to the Lord in that, as I pray that "I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod & your staff, they comfort me." [Psalm 23:4]I know the joy that I can have while suffering because "suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts by the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." [Romans 5:3-5]I know the joy that comes from simply carrying a child that the world may deem unworthy or "incompatible" and getting to know his personality and learning to treasure every moment of his life; because God has "knit [him] together in [his] mother's womb. I praise [God] because [he] is fearfully and wonderfully made." [Psalm 139:14]I know the joy that comes from being weak and having to rest in God's grace, a grace and a rest I so easily ignore in a normal circumstance. I know the joy that comes from saying, "for when I am weak, then I am strong." [2 Corinthians 12:10]I know the joy that is found in eternal things and not temporary. I know the joy that comes from the hope I might have in Jesus more than in things of this world. I know the joy that comes from seeing my son's life impact many and have a purpose far beyond me. I know the joy that comes in praying and trusting God for the things that are too big. I know the joy of the relationships I've made and grown in and depended on where I otherwise wouldn't. I know the joy of simply seeing God more for who He is than what I ever thought before and I know that He's being glorified in this, while also abundantly lavishing His love on Jacob, and John-Mark, and our families & friends through it all.I do know joy, even if this joy, at this time, is completely wrapped in heartache.May I continue to know this joy, this joy that is so tied to pain and to grief and to sorrow, as we await the birth of our sweet son. May I continue to know this joy that is so tied to fears and dreads and I-can't-do-this moments, as I labor through & deliver my sweet baby boy and then later say goodbye to him. May I continue to know this joy, that is real and honest and good, as I continue to press in to rejoice while others rejoice and fight for community among women on all journeys of life - mamas and soon-to-be's, those longing for babies, and those well past those years. I may not know that joy yet, but I do know joy. It comes in the mornings, refreshed frequently, just as his mercy is, and it's deeper than it appears.
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For a full disclaimer: when I say I know these things, I mean that I only know them in part and not in full, of course. I know there is more pain to be had in our lives in a variety of circumstances, more joy to be learned that I haven't yet, even in this one, and ultimately the epitome of Joy to be had when I'm taken to Glory myself to spend Eternity in the presence of my Savior. When I say I "know" this joy, I mean I've gotten a taste of it, and a beautiful taste it is.