Happy 1st Birthday, Jacob!

Dear Jacob,Happy, happy birthday my sweet boy! ONE year ago you were born! I cannot believe it. Time has moved so slow and yet so fast.I remember the first time I saw your face as they lifted you up to put you on my chest. I remember noticing your skin - it was beautiful. And your face, it was so perfectly round. Your cheeks were perfectly circular and full of chub and you were precious.They laid you on my stomach and you weren't breathing. But I was so in love. So happy to SEE you - the baby boy who was doing flips and kicks and hiccuping away for months inside of me. And then they suggested me putting you up on my chest, and you took a breath. And more breaths. You were alive. I was so happy, so overjoyed. And you knew me; you knew I was your mama.Your birthday was full of all sorts of surprises just like that one. When we began to count you out you would frequently come back with all sorts of excitement to make sure we knew you were still as strong as ever. I wonder sometimes what that says about your personality, and I think about how sweet and funny it is that you just played it cool the whole time.Jacob, you were so sweet.That's how I often describe your personality. You were so relaxed and just loved hanging out with everyone. You were so sweet to be around, so patient with me, so content in your daddy's arms! I loved your birthday.Some people think 2016 was a year they'd quickly like to forget. But I think I feel the opposite. 2016 was the year I got to meet you! I loved that you graced our lives that year. Your dad and I have gotten to see new places and make new friends because of you and your life.  We've learned so much about each other and how to love well. We said goodbye to more people we love, including your younger sister (is she as sister?), but we hope they're giving you extra hugs today for us in Heaven.  And as hard as it was, we kept going - just doing the next thing - even though we ached while doing it without you. We have been reminded a hundred times over of God's love for us, and for you.  It's been a sweet year.Sweet doesn't mean it wasn't hard - of course it's been hard.  For something to be good in this world means that there's often sorrow or hardship tied up in it.  You showed us that, Jacob.  We love you so much and so the ache is so deep. But the ache is deep because we love you so much. We'd never trade you for anything.  You made us parents. You became a big brother. You forever hold the place of first grandchild and nephew and that is precious to us.Jacob, your life has touched so many. As a mom, that makes me so proud! I could never have done that or even imagined that on my own. But God saw fit to use YOU to proclaim His Name to the world - to show us all that He is near and that He loves us, that joy and sorrow can go hand in hand, that a life so small can be so celebrated.I wonder what your year has been like, Jacob. I imagine that you are full of laughter and life. I imagine that your eyes are open and that you never even had to see the dullness of beauty on this earth but forever you get to see only the immaculate beauty of Heaven! What is it like? No sorrows, no tears. Never feeling any pain. Jacob, you get to be in the presence of God for eternity! It's amazing.  I long to know what that is like - for God to be physically near and for sin and death to have no place.  I'm so humbled that God saw fit to lose His Son so that mine might know Him.  I'm in awe, really.  And you get to live that out.I think of how Jesus said, "Let the little children come to Me," and my heart swells with joy imagining you responding.Jacob, the world might have considered you "less than" - in fact, we were told that your condition made you incompatible with life. But what they don't know, in fact, is that even in your brokenness - things were not as they should be - God made you compatible with His Life and you get to live it in full, for Eternity.Jacob, you are so precious to me.  My oldest child, my first son.  You made me a mother in the truest of senses and that will never change.  I'm so thankful for you. I'm so thankful that today I get to hear your name over and over again as people wish you happy birthday. I can't wait to continue to celebrate you - not just today, but each day that comes.  You've taught me to be brave. You've taught me it's okay to be out of control. You've taught me that joy can come in the darkest of places.  In all of it, you've taught me to know God and receive grace.  Oh, my sweet boy, you have shaped me more than you'll know.I love you, Jacob, and I miss you so dearly.  I long to cover your sweet cheeks with kisses today.  You'd be ONE.My sweet boy.Happy birthday, Jacob!Love, your mama